When I was seeing my Christian counselor during the process of my second divorce, I was struggling with how I could maintain my sanity while my husband and I lived in the same house waiting for it to sell. Everything seemed so muddy. We slept in the same bed but we didn’t share a husband-wife relationship anymore. And we shared all the duties a husband and wife have—getting the bills paid, raising my children with as little added stress as possible, making decisions about our future. But, the greatest battle I faced was trying to make him love me enough again so he would stay and work it through.
As I shared these concerns with her, she imparted some wise advice to me, “When you are wrestling with a relationship, the best place to return to is the beginning of your friendship.”
I heeded her words and began to study what the Bible says about friendship. And I found about 90 references. It was in the following verses that I found freedom from the bondage of getting what I wanted out of the relationship.
John 15:13-15 says “There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you slaves, because a master doesn’t confide in his slaves. Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the Father told me.”
Jesus laid down his life for me and he calls me a friend. He set aside his own desires in order to die for me simply because he loved me. As I engraved this concept on my heart, I was able to see life from his perspective. I acknowledged his pain, affirmed his right to feel the way he did and abided by the boundaries he established. Working through this process removed the noose I placed around my husband in order to keep him in my life.
I began to see that a friend only wants what is best for someone. Because his desire was to move out of the pain I had created, the marriage ended. But because I learned to truly desire what was best for my husband, we ended with a civil relationship intact. I believe that I followed God’s prescription and found healing for both of us.
When the time was right, I began to seek another relationship. God brought an amazing man into my life and we started dating. The relationship started with great fervor and ended with the painful realization that he wasn’t really ready to move forward like I wanted. As, this man began to remove himself from my life, I once again held on tight. And then God convicted me that I should remove the noose and remember the above verse. So….I did.
This man walked out of my life and I found that I would be all right. I continued to pray for him even though he wasn’t present in my life. But, the amazing thing about God is that he provides second chances.
As this man returned to my life, I realized that what we had to find was the friendship we once owned that fear of relationship had buried. The journey of the past four months has been an amazing ride for me. I’ve had to fight the attraction and remember that what we both want is a lasting friendship that will carry us through—no matter what the future holds for each of us. I know that his presence in my life as my friend is more important than a romantic relationship. And I believe this because I want what is best for him.
Proverbs 27:6 says, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” A friend can help you discover who you are and allow you the freedom to be that person. But, a true friend will tell you the truth and confront you even if it hurts, because he or she wants what is ultimately best for you.
A good friend points you in the right direction by demonstrating Jesus’ kind of friendship. There is no judgment in Jesus’ friendship. He was accepting, loving, gentle and kind. “Now most people would not be willing to die for an upright person, though someone might perhaps be willing to die for a person who is especially good. But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. (Romans 5:7-8). This is the true Biblical definition of friendship.
I am willing to die to my own desires and see this friendship through. True friendship is one of the greatest gifts of life.
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