Patience imposes itself on me these days like an intrepid soldier holding me hostage while I attempt to squirm from his grip. But, squirming only creates pain. So today I surrender once again to the waiting game.
As I contemplate this game, I wonder why I am not good at it by now. After all, I seem to get drafted regularly as the star player. I have waited for 16 months for a house of my own again after moving back in with my parents—try that at 42. I have waited for a career to be re-established after losing my job. I have waited for the right relationship after two divorces. Wait. Wait. Wait.
I worked hard during the past two years to gain a place in the right line with the right credentials this time. And the line began to move. The movement was slow—a new job, a new relationship, on track for a new house of my own. There was definite movement though—until two months ago—when things came to a halt and I began to question whether I was in the right line again.
My relationship ended. My career path was not on the track I desired. And the closing on the house I wanted to purchase did not happen. No amount of temper tantrums or whining made the line move. And yesterday I ended the slavery after a complete meltdown on my bedroom floor.
As I pulled myself out of the puddle of self-pity and frustration, I felt God nudge my soul and remind me by saying, “I’m still in charge. I know what’s best for you. My timing is perfect, my child.” And I once again I found freedom.
I remember now why I am not good at this game. It’s because I feel no movement in waiting. And my nature is to love movement. Going against my nature creates fear and anxiety—two things to which I not wish to become a slave. But, as sure as I choose to take control and push forward, the grains of my desires seep through the cracks of my tight fist. Grain by grain the momentum is lost and the thing disappears—sending me into slavery.
Oh…to perpetually learn this lesson--waiting actually creates the time necessary for me to acquire the gratitude and readiness to receive the thing.
I find myself again in the middle of the waiting game. I choose to put away the temper tantrums and the whining. I choose to acknowledge that God knows what is best for me. And I will wait for the line move again and know that as I listen to Him, I am in the right line. My time will come and I will accept the thing with gratitude and readiness.
1 comment:
Wow.
You are truly an amazing author.
I forgot for a moment that I was reading about you. You really need
to do something....write a novel SOMETHING!!!
Love ya!
Mare
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